What else have I missed?

I'm watching Sixth Sense for the first time... of course I know the "twist"... who doesn't by now... the movie was made in 1999. If I recall correctly some radio personality spilled the beans like 2 weeks after it was released or something... I really like Bruce Willis' character in this film... I really wish I'd seen it when it first came out.

See, the problem is I don't really enjoy going to the movies... The joy of getting lost in a storyline is wasted and transformed into anxiety with me... I have a horrible habit of trying to figure everything out... whether it has to do with the plot, the special effects, the accuracy of the story... if the shadows in the movie are congruent with the weather portrayed on the screen...

I don't think I've watched a single movie at home (or at MMM's, or the Jedi's...) in months without running to a computer, pulling up IMDb and looking up the trivia, the goofs, the quotes... comparing which actors have done what... I lack the ability to just sit and watch. It drives my friends nuts. Who am I kidding, it drives ME nuts... and sitting in a dark theater, having to be quiet... not being able to think out the errors or confusing parts... drives me even more mental...

I watched the Covenant this weekend and it wasn't quite clear who the bad guy was... and I must have stated at least a dozen times to MMM, "I'm confused...".... I'm pretty sure the writer/director meant for us to not be able to figure it out... but what do I know? I think each and every time, she replied "just watch the movie!"... I mean, come on... the guys in that movie have got to be some of the hottest guys ever (yes... even hotter than Zac Efron ladies!)... and here I am worried about if the guy who plays Reid & looks like Aaron Carter is related to any of the other Hemingway's...

So... riddle me this... how is someone... who's unable to sit thru a 100 minute film without analyzing the script, plot, characters and everything else movies have to offer... unable to look at her own life and figure out what she wants?

And how long will it take, me missing out the best little things in life, because I spent too much time trying to figure out the "who's & why's".

I tend to over analyze the things that don't need it... and ignore or procrastinate about the things that should have all of my attention. I'll wonder for hours about boys who mean nothing to me.. or something someone at work said, that more than likely had nothing to do with me...

But when it comes to career changes, moving to new towns, life decisions... I kinda sit back and wait for things to fall in my life... and so far, it's worked out in my favor...

I've got a great job, a great paying job I should say... a little more than two years ago, a friend of mine heard I was taking a buyout from the old company, she brought me the job announcement, put it on my desk, and told me it was my next job... and it was... just like that. The job before this one was pretty much the same... and the job before that... and the one before that... People who know me... see my place in life... and I've been blessed to have them guide me.

For the first time in my life... I'm taking a step on my own... for something that I'm not sure I'm qualified for... something I'd really have to make an effort to learn to do... something I'm not even sure I'll enjoy...

Anyway... this post started out with "what have I missed?"... it turned into "what risks am I willing to take?"... I suppose that's a good thing... not worrying about what happened in the past, because it cannot be changed... I suppose I need to look at where my future is going... and just worry about that for the time being....

bitter blackberry blogging

It's 4am and rather than pull out the laptop & stay up all night I figured I'll just write from here & hopefully crash back asleep after.

¤I got a memo today at work that says all annual reviews not processed by May 15 would not be eligible for retro-active pay... Bu-bye $3K for me...

¤PC is NOT inviting me camping for Memorial weekend. On top of that PC is generally to busy for anything lately... Which of course makes me want him more.

¤the Jedi asked if I wanted to go see Hot Fuzz tonight (last night) and we LOVED Shaun of the Dead, so I said yes... After feeding MMMs cat, we should have gone straight to get to the theater, instead he turned left and we ended up at a fancy wine bar drinking $12 glasses of Pinot Noir & eating oysters baked with bacon & artichokes... It was lovely & romantic, we were flirty & laghing, having (I thought) a really good time. At the end of the night, we're both a bit tipsy from the wine & he gave me a long hug, he leaned down to kiss me and when I tilted my chin up he stopped short & said "go call PCsrealname"...

When will I learn???

k... I'm drunk...

I've had a horrible week at work, and my best girl friend is leaving for the weekend, and wanted to go to "the bar" tonight cuz she won't be able to go this weekend.... I told her there would be NO ONE to see at "said bar"... but I think she really wanted to go just for the feel of it... so we went...

I had 2 drinks & a shot... not a bad night... but I think I had them in less than an hour... and with no food in my stomach... so ya... I'm drunk...

all I want to do right now is see PC... it's so hard not to type his name... but it's one of those realizations that I'm not sure I"m happy with. I did call him & it went to voice mail... but before I could leave a message he was ringing on the other line... it was the best part of my day, hearing his voice... hearing what he had to say.. he was concerned that I'd been drinking, he wanted to know where I was, who I was with, and how I got home... he cares... I know he does...

He wants to see me after class tomorrow. I'm not sure how to deal with this... I'm not sure I've been in a "normal" relationship before.... I've always been the "savior"... the one who takes care of things and fixes things.. the one who makes everything "ok"... PC doesn't need saving... he's got his shit together... and that leaves me nothing left to do... the most he's ever asked of me is to pick out a cologne that I liked for him...

My co-dependency is going thru withdrawals and I don't know how to deal with that... I know I should be OK with this... and look at me.. .just searching and digging for something to just "be wrong" with him... and yet... there's not... I call him drunk as a skunk on a Wednesday evening... and all he wants to do is make sure I wasn't driving and that I'm home safe... I remember the first weekend after we met... I was out with MMM and he was the DD for his friends that night... he called me after last call and asked if I was ok... I told him that MMM was totally sober, and that we were fine... and he didn't care... he still came and got me, took me home with nothing more than a kiss and a "see you tomorrow"... and he's done that a few times now... it's almost like I finally have someone who's watching out for me... and I'm not sure how to deal with it.

I wish I could trust men... could believe there just may be someone out there who's not out for just sex or money... that may care... and may love...

fuck... I'm so going to hate myself tomorrow when I read this... and I deserve every bit of "get-over-yourself" comments that I get... cuz this is just lame... if I don't believe that love exists... I don't deserve to get it...

I've had a crap day...

I told MMM today that I am no longer going out during the week... and even on the weekends I need to slow down.

When the Jedi & I were together, he had the Padawan every other weekend, so my "partying" was limited. Since MMM broke up with her boyfriend and I've been single, I think I've gone out every SINGLE weekend and usually once or twice during the week.

I've gained 10 pounds... I feel old... my skin isn't as good as I know it can be... I have stomach issues... and I'd bet a thousand dollars that I'm not remembering things like I should.

All I know is I joke about kissing too many boys... but one of these days I'm gonna drink too much and do something I regret... and ya know, I shouldn't rely on MMM to keep an eye on me... I need to take responsibility for my own actions!

ANYWAY... tonight I'm just going to do some laundry... play around online... catch up on some TiVo... eat some yummy comfort food (cheesy hot dogs if you must know)... and hope that maybe I get to see PC. He said his final was "sucky" and hasn't returned any of my other IM's or texts... so I'm hoping he's doing the same thing I am... relaxing and trying to push thru the negative and focus on the positive.

I hope you all are doing well and have good plans for the weekend... I have a wedding on Saturday and I'm going to the Yankee/A's game on Sunday... I'm keeping my fingers crossed for zero rain and a close game!

seriously Tori... stop....

I'm seriously out of control.... no, I don't need to go into rehab or anything... I need to just stop being stupid!

I think going 2 years without sex messed with my inhibitions a little bit... cuz now I'm acting like a stupid child... and I'm THIRTY FUCKING FIVE!!!

I have a ring on my finger and I can only fucking guess where it came from, who gave it to me, or why I have it on...

All I can imagine is that I ended up making out with some boy and he put it there... but who? Fuck if I know... I did call MMM and she got me home, alone... but she doesn't know where it came from either...

The Jedi was out with us last night... he may know... how akward is that... "um... hey... do you know where I got this ring?"

My lord Tori... you weren't with Prince Charming... and you really like him... what the hell were you thinking?!?!? Leave it to you to finally find something good and ruin it because you drank one too many German Chocolate Cake shots...

really??

Has it been since Tuesday since I updated???

OH... I did the famous meme, that's right... I knew I'd been here this week...

I need a nap... I need to NOT go out tonight... I need to stop working 6 days a week... I need to wrap my arms around PC, lay my head on his chest, and match my breathing to his...

One of my bosses is getting married, and some how I've gotten the assignment to help plan the wedding... which is enjoyable, but damn is it stressful... I'm running down to San Francisco to get this and try that and look at the other thing...

-aside... if and when I ever decide to share my life with a man... and we decide to marry... (unless he's extremely wealthy)... I plan on doing it on the beach in Lake Tahoe... I'll announce it here.. you all are invited... it will probably be a potluck BBQ and involve keg's and Cold Duck... but hey... we'll have fun... I promise....

PC works full time and is in Law School 3 nights a week... this week I remembered how stressful the end of semesters get... you know... that last month before finals when papers are due and it all comes down to all or nothing...

I know life will simplify when this wedding is over and he's out of school... but right now I think we communicate more via Text Message than face to face and it scares me to think how we'll actually get along when we have time for each other... ya know... other than the dinner dates, movie dates and cocktail dates... what's going to happen when we finally just "hang out"?

OK... on that note... there's another guy who I met a couple weeks ago... I've only hung out with him when we happen to be at the same place, namely a bar of some sort.... and he REALLY likes me... he wants to take me out for dinner and all that... now this guy is new in town... and he's not on the up and up... but claims he wants to be... lets just say right now his job is lucrative but illegal..

He says he'll get out of that business in about a month when the construction work starts up again... now this is my thinking... if he's going to be on the straight and narrow when the weather's good... what's to stop him from going back to this "other job" in the rainy season again??? Am I over thinking this... am I shutting down a nice guy just because I refuse to have to visit him in jail or the hospital or a cemetery???

I am ABSOLUTELY not into that scene... NEVER have been... and at the age of 35 I'm not going to start... but really... can someone "get out" of that? I just can't picture myself with someone who I know people will associate with as a dealer... my step dad is a correctional officer, my mother is a drug & alcohol counselor... the jedi's ENTIRE family are law enforcement of some kind and my roommates girlfriend is part of our local Police Department.... and as "ok" as they are with me drinking and having fun... this would just be too much for me to explain I think... no matter how nice he is.

ok... I think I officially just broke my brain... I'm exhausted... I'm going to go to PC's house and watch Casino Royale and The Departed and do nothing else for the next 6 hours....

and yet... he's still so damn sweet....

today I worked 12 hours... yesterday too, and the day before that ... a few (4-5) times a year I have to do this for anywhere from 3 days to a full week... usually the first day I'm fine... the 2nd is still ok... but by the third day I'm wiped... I'm sure that's why, when I found out about the whole "asking other girls out" thing bothered me so much. I know a relationship isn't created in such a short period of time... and I need to realize that just because he's nice to me, doesn't mean he's not still going to "do his thing" and still go out with other girls.

On that note... we did hang out for about an hour tonight. I'd only been home for about half an hour... long enough to change out of my work clothes and settle down in front of the TV, when I got a call that he was in the area and could he stop by.

We just sat and talked... made plans to go into San Francisco on Sunday and have dinner and go see 300 at the IMAX theater...

We talked about his camping trip a little more... and Sand Mountain in Nevada and Glamis down south... it's cool to learn about stuff that is totally new to me (sand dunes/quads/sand cars)... but be able to discuss because I'm somewhat familiar with (dirt bikes, motorcycles and camping in general)... then we talked about going up to my stomping grounds in NorCal, he's got family up there too...

After an hour of chatting I walked him outside and took a look at his bike (he laid it down about a month ago and I wanted to see the damage) then said good-bye... I came back to my room and could do nothing but smile... he's nice... really really nice... and I have a feeling I'm looking for something wrong, before I end up liking him "too much"...

So I guess I just need to flippin' relax... and let life take its course... I'm getting upset about things that MIGHT happen... and if I keep that up I'm gonna end up more than a little bit crazy!

a little... well... a little more info...

sooo OK... maybe it's not jinxed... maybe it's just me over-reacting... or maybe not...

here's the deal.... so Jinx Guy... (who has a nick name in my head... just not sure if I like it or not)... anyway... I've known him less than two weeks... we've gone out on 2 dates, and hung out a third time to watch a movie... he's considerate... he's nice... he's sweet...

but he's dating other people... or at least still asking other people out...

OK... so we're not a couple... we're not exclusive... there's been no "define our relationship" talk... so he has every right to keep his options open until he's sure he wants anything more with me.

but still... it kinda stings... and I don't like that it stings... and I'm not sure what to think... I'm not good at this dating shit... can someone just find me a good man and super glue him to me please?!?

shoot me now...

Today was one of those mornings that I spent the entire shower adjusting the water temperature... "that's too hot... wait... that's not warm enough... ah that's HOT!... brrrrrr.... a littttttlllle to the left... NO TOO MUCH!!!!"... I couldn't find that "perfect spot" and just was uncomfortable the entire time.

I kind of feel like that's the story of my life... it's always just a little bit "off center"... either I like someone more than they like me... or someone likes me and I don't have any attraction to them... or I find someone I like, and it seems like they like me... but there's something DRASTICALLY wrong... like they live on the other side of the country... or they're married... or there's some huge conflict of religion or politics... or they're 10 years younger than me...

I'm 35... and I have a horrible track record when it comes to relationships... and I don't know what to do about it... I suppose I should go to therapy and someone with initials after name can tell me that growing up fatherless has affected the way I look at men and the relationships I create with them... but the 2 times I tried it before the therapist told me NOTHING I didn't already know...

Yes, I know I have a low self esteem but fake that I don't really well... Yes, I know that I intentionally go after guys I know I can never have long term... Yes, I know I will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment... and Yes... I know I have the tendency to confuse love and pity, I like to "love" people I can can pity and rescue... so I'm co-dependent... I know that already...

but not one of the therapists attempted to help me work thru it... they always made me feel stupid, small and inadequate because I couldn't easily end the disastrous relationship(s) I was in... they made it seem like walking away should be easy, considering how I was being treated... and it just never was for me.

I've met a new guy (not Good'Ol'Boy) and I've decided not to blog about him... because I'm afraid I'll jinx it... but I'm afraid it's already jinxed... once again... I'm choosing something I'm almost guaranteed won't last...

when I stop for a second...

and think... and read... and remember... I realize it's all gonna be ok...

My biggest fear in life is not being remembered... to be forgotten... or to think that I didn't matter. To feel ignored or unknown...

2007 so far... has sucked... but I'm analyzing just WHY it's sucked so bad... and trying to face my fears.

All it took was a stumble onto a little something to make me realize that sometimes our fears are unconventional and selfish... that there's a lot more to think about than if I made any impact on someones life. I need to start worrying about who's making an impact in MY life!

Thank you, fellow bloggers... for clearing my view!

who said I was spontaneous?

So today, I was sitting around with MMM, the Jedi, Padawan, both roommates, and some neighbors... We were all getting ready to BBQ for Super Bowl Sunday... when I got a bug up my ass to NOT BE AT HOME!

All of a sudden I just felt really... I don't know the word... anxious I guess... and I needed to get out of the house. So MMM & I decided to just go "drive" for a while... I just really needed to be away from the guys... away from football... away from food... just away.

Normally, I LOVE football... and it usually it doesn't matter who's playing... I can watch anyone... but today was different. I had no desire to be involved in the hype... I really didn't want to watch the game.

We ended up driving through town, talking about all the things we'd done in the past... and talking about our piercings and tattoos... she was with me for my most recent & biggest tattoo and 2 of my 3 non-ear piercings... I was with her for her only tattoo and a few of her piercings... when we decided to go see if the shop she got her last tattoo was open... it wasn't... so she called her friend and asked who did his last work.

15 minutes later... we walk into the shop and ask Mike if he's busy... he says that he was waiting on someone, but it seemed like they were a no-show... how could he help?

MMM has always wanted her astrological symbol, Virgo, on her neck... so she went first... Mike was cool... but he wouldn't do the anything above the collar of a shirt unless you were "covered" in tattoos... so he wouldn't do it up right under our hairline like I wanted... MMM was ok with it lower... but I wasn't...

I have 4 or 5 tattoos in my head that I want... I want my dad's initials somewhere... the British Flag on the back of my neck... some celtic knot work in either a heart/cross/clover shape somewhere... and then I have a few other ideas that I havn't thought all the way thru.

MMM wanted us to do something together... since we've done so much as a pair over the 8 years we've known eachother... so I thought, "OK... I'm cool with my sign somewhere"... I'm an aquarius... to the core! Now was the hard part... where to put it... I knew I was going to have to wait to have something put on the back of my neck... because Mike was adament about the "nothing above the collar" rule... so I started thinking about some tattoos I've seen lateley and how much I liked them... there's a celebrity who I'm not going to name, that recently had a word done in white on her wrist... and although I'd only seen one really bad picture... I liked the idea of it... so here's my newest tat...

the Aquarius symbol... done with white ink... on my supremely anglo white skin... yes... it's very subtle and will probably be even more-so when it heals... but I like it... Mike isn't sure if his ink shows up in black-light or not... but either way... it was a GREAT way to end my 35th birthday weekend!

My Favorite Mistake

My Favorite Mistake

me spilling my heart out about something that will just be a good memory a year from now...

vague much???

OK... so ya... I was a little vague in that last post...

but basically I was going back and reading my blog and felt like I was reading about someone else... a total headcase... so I decided I was going to "purge" those from my blog for right now and just focus on moving forward and stop looking back...

I'm not really hiding them from anyone... so if you want to read them again or if you feel someone else should read my story (ya right)... lemme know and I'll put them back up... but for right now... I'd rather just think about other things...

ya... the blog looks a little empty... but hopefully this will help me focus on writing about new and better things... and also... I'm playing around with the video camera and hoping to include some of those in here.... I'll post my first one tonight... w00t!

it's not what you think...

so... the Jedi is asleep on my bed right now... I went to work today (yes, on a Saturday) and he spent the day drinking with WoWboy... a few drinks into him and he decides he wants to "discuss" how our relationship has been the last 3 weeks...

Monday night he asked me to go back to New Orleans with him and a few friends... I told him that I don't think I'd ever be going back... he asked why... I told him that I want to remember N.O.L.A. the way it was when we were together... when we could go out and have fun together and he didn't hide his affection... My memories of New Orleans are kissing under gas street lamps and sitting on the stairs across from Jackson Square while eating a Happy Dog... Drinking in the courtyards... walking hand in hand down cobblestone roads... the smell of a "boil" in the air and happy hours that lasted from 2pm-10pm... I love New Orleans... I'm not sure I want to go back to a post-katrina after math, and be disappointed not only in the towns appearance, but in the way I feel and act there too...

Tonight, I went straight to my room after work and started to catch up on "the L word" and "24"... so I didn't call him, I didn't call anyone... he cooked the best steak I've ever tasted, brought a plate for both of us into my room, and sat down and after bitching at me for ignoring him all day, basically started to harp on me about why I haven't hung out lately... and how I need to explain to the Padawan how I no longer want to be their friend... He told me that his (the Jedi's) feelings are hurt... that the Padawan doesn't understand why I never come over... and that he thinks that I hate him... I tried to explain that I DO NOT hate him or his son... but that in order for me to move on... I need things to change. Then he tried to say the "that's the risk single parents take" crap... like that the privileged I've incurred getting to know his son is being tossed out the window by me trying to distance myself from this backwards, upside-down, inside out, dysfunctional relationship...

The thing is... I try to still "be the same" around the padawan... I really try to come over and play... whether it be video games or art... it's just when they go to the movies, I let them go alone... I leave before dinner instead of just assuming I'm going to eat with them... I no longer assume that I'm the third person in this "perfect family charade" that we lived as for so long...

He claims that my behaviour has changed so drastically that even people at work are questioning him.... ummmm... my thought is... why are people questioning him about his relationship with "just a friend" if that's all we are... does he not realize that the entire world saw us for more than what he did? He says that he now feels like he's using me... because the only time we see each other is when we're driving to work... that he's going to start to give me money so it doesn't feel that way... but he really doesn't want me to hate him and he wishes I would talk to him... that when I get out of the car at night and just say "g'nite" instead of "what are you doing later?"... It makes him feel like shit... Funny part about that... he never picks up the damn phone to ask me over to do anything, or go anywhere, or even just to talk... sooooo... how am I supposed to act...

I got tired of always hoping for the phone to ring or hinting that I'd like to do something... I hate that me, being the girl, always had to make plans for us to go do stuff... I realize now that we can never really say we "dated" because I always was the one to ask and drive... and we were pretty good about switching off with the paying, just like good friends do.... ya we did everything together... but everything was just that... I never did anything with anyone else... and felt guilty if I did do stuff without him... but he was able to go off to Vegas w/o me... and is now planning on going back to N.O.

I finally explained, that Christmas the light bulb went on... that when I went the entire day without a phone call saying "Happy Christmas" or that I have yet to hear a single "thank you" for anything I did or gave at that time... that the feeling I had that we were a "unit" dissolved... and I really needed to move along... sure... I may be going about it the entirely wrong way... but maybe in going from one extreme (doing EVERYTHING together) to the other (doing NOTHING together)... eventually we can find a middle ground where we both see our relationship as the same thing... I think it may have finally made sense to him... why I'm acting the way I act... because after me trying my best to explain to him that I still care... but since he's made it painfully clear that we're not going down the road I thought we were... I have to find a different road... and that road may be a little rough at first...

Funny thing is... everyone always said that I paid less attention to him... he'd want more... that he'd realize he's missing out on a good thing... as one very good friend said "the 2nd best thing that ever happened to him... I really wanted to believe that was true... but they were wrong... he doesn't want more... he made that clear...

I'm not sure I want to go back to hanging out with him, just to make it easy for him... I'm kind of OK with being alone right now...

my room is clean...

and my clothes are gettin' there...

I'm tired...

I do not want to go to work tomorrow... and I really hate that feeling...

I used to love my job... I used to enjoy it... I had no problem working long hours or running all over the north bay doing stupid errands...

Now... I only work for the paycheck... and I hate that...

I'm having a hard time accepting that everything my life was 6 months ago has changed... the person I like, the job I like, the way I spend my time... it's all changing so fast... and I don't like it here anymore...

I look back over this journal and just hate the person I was in October... but I don't really like the person I am now either...

I'm trying to figure out what I will like... and I don't have the answer to that either...

that whole saying, if He brings you to it he'll help you through it... or He only gives you what He knows you can handle... well, all I can say is He must feel rather highly of me, cuz the shit I'm going through Just.Isn't.Fun....

and so the story goes...

well... let's just say I'm going to have a very difficult time finding a Valentines Day card that says... "will you be my Valentine, even tho you live 2 time zones away, we've never physically met because we "found each other" online and yet I can't stop thinking about you..." along with all the other situations that will make this NEVER work...

2 months ago, if anyone would have told me that I'd "fall for" someone online, I would have laughed in their face... but I have a totally fallen in like with this guy... and looks like the feeling is mutual...

we "met" because he makes videos for YouTube and then we started talking on Stickam... (meaning we can see each other as we talk)... that started mid-November...

About 2 weeks ago, I found myself looking forward to getting home to talk to new guy, and stopped waiting by the phone for Jedi to ask me to go do stuff... and last night when I finally made it home after being stuck in the boondocks for two days longer than anticipated due to snow... Jedi asked me over for dinner, I declined,

I got on stickam and new guy and I had our first "how in the hell did this happen" talk... and although neither of us knows the answer... and we're both scared to death that we feel the way we do... and have no clue what the future holds... we both agreed that for the first time in a VERY long time, we feel there's someone out there that cares... and that this is too good to just brush off

The Jedi spent a lot of money on my Christmas presents, but it's just "Stuff"... none of it is special... he didn't put any thought into the gifts... he also didn't once call me on Christmas day to wish me a happy holiday or thank me for his gifts or for playing Santa for him & the padawan (I made their stockings and did the "fun" stuff for them)... I called him 3 times and each time he was on the phone with dad/brother/mom, and I guess I don't rank high enough in his life to call back...

New Guy... who will be referred to as AT... stole time away during his holiday chaos and made me a video... cost him nothing but time and meant so much more than I can even explain to y'all...

Anyways... leave it to me to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire... what else is new?!?!

uh--oh shaggy...

... i have an online crush...

"so what!?" you say... "who cares" you reply...

i tend to over think things... to make things that aren't real, overly real... i've never had an online crush... i've had online friends... e-friends... and i truly care about all of them... but if the internet crashed and burned, sure, i'd miss them, of course... but would my life be any different if i couldn't read their blog or send them an message via forum?

most of them I have phone numbers for... or even snail mail addresses...

but this new guy... he's different... and we haven't been talking enough to exchange any of that information... so i find myself waiting for times when i know he's going to be on... and excited to "see" him... and sad when he has to go...

i don't like it much...

i mean... i love it... but i don't like that i'm thinking about him this much... can someone slap some reality into my ass...

tis the season...

I'm going to make fudge and those cookies over there to give to co-workers next week. I haven't baked in a few years, and I'm really hoping that I don't ruin it!!!

I got the fudge recipe from Betty Crocker and it's the easiest fudge recipe ever! Microwave is all... the last time I made fudge I think I had to stir it for hours and use a candy thermometer... I hope this is still tasty.

I like nuts in my fudge... but no one else seems to... what is that? the anti-nut movement?? Anyway... I plan on making a few different batches, one will have candy cane pieces in it, another will have dried cranberries, and the last will be Creamy Double Decker Fudge (which is basically the same, only layered instead of mixed)...

Anyway... I'll take pictures and post them here for your enjoyment!

***

Last night I went to a work thing with the Jedi... everyone thought we were together... of course... and when one woman said "aren't you going to introduce me to your wife?" he came back, very cleverly I might add, "I will as soon as I have one!"... and I then held my left hand up... (no ring)... she said something about how he needs to fix that and he looked at me and said "let's go to Reno!" or something along those lines... it was amusing... we had a good night over all...

I have MY work thing on Monday... he's not invited... (smirk)...

OH... I can't remember if I shared a (lame) follow up to last weeks Santa crawl... but anyway... Jedi is quietly peeved at me for not calling him to go with me, even tho he said he didn't want to go earlier in the day... mis-communication again, I suppose, but he finally said something about how he sat home alone, waiting for my call... ummmm... OK...

That lead to a conversation that I should have had long ago... that he needs to INVITE me to do things, ASK me... because this assuming stuff is too couple-like for us... I told him he could take my car to his family with out me, and he claims he doesn't want to go alone, he wants me there, that his family would be hurt if I didn't come... I told him we'll talk about it more this weekend... but right now I'm somewhat frustrated that I'll be going to see my family for Christmas, and his coming with me is a solid "maybe"... I understand if he has the padawan, it would be hard, but if he doesn't... why can't he come with me? I suppose that's just one more thing to ponder in this whole train wreck...

***

Anyway... I'm hungover, have a headache, need a shower & coffee... and I think I'm going to do a "trial" fudge batch today to make sure the recipe doesn't suck... catcha' lata!

I make mistakes...

we all make mistakes...

So why, sometimes, when I do things I know to be considered "wrong", do I not feel bad?

I did something last night, that I know I should have guilt over... but I don't... and I know I won't, unless others (read "the jedi") find out...

I think there's a name for that...

I know that there's a meme somewhere along the line of "would you fillintheblank if you knew you'd get away with it...", and after last night I'm pretty sure a lot of things I'd be willing to do, as long as I knew I'd never get caught...

I'm beginning to feel my morals are out of whack...

well... happy thanksgiving...

Let's just say plans did NOT go well. I picked up a cold this week, well, because everyone I know had one!

The weather and traffic going up to my parents was supposed to be horrible yesterday, so at about 11am I called my mom and told her I'd drive home Thursday morning. Less people on the road and no signs of snow in the forecast. My step-dad was going to work today, so dinner wasn't supposed to be until late.

Last night she called to let me know my step-dad was working a double, so he'd be home earlier than expected. I said that I was going to try and sleep this cold off and I'd get up in the morning and leave then.

OK... aside here... I'm in my room watching last week's episode of CSI... and they're talking about the adopted twin "Jill"... and the psych just explained her as being "high-functioning depressed" and said "relationships in general were difficult, her condition made her excel professionally but flop personally"... and that she had "abandonment/attachment issues"... now I'm not going to run off and self diagnose... but my gawd I hate when TV does that to me... of course if I would just go to a damn doctor I may be able to shut the demons up...

OK.. back to today... I mom calls me at 8:24 and I'm still tired, so I tell her that I'm going to sleep a bit longer and then the Jedi calls at almost 10 and I'm still sleeping, and cranky, and feel like crap, so I roll over and drift back to sleep, so I finally wake up at almost 11... and I immediately call mom to tell her that if I get in the shower now, I'd hopefully be home by 5pm.

My intention was to tell them to go ahead and eat and I'd just have dinner with them. But the only four words I got out were "I just woke up"... and she said "have a good thanksgiving and hopefully we'll see you at Xmas..."

ummm... OK... so I guess that makes up my mind for me...

So today has been me catching up on all my TiVo'd shows and later I plan on visiting everyones blogs and wishing people a happy turkey day...

Hope your's is great!