shoot me now...

Today was one of those mornings that I spent the entire shower adjusting the water temperature... "that's too hot... wait... that's not warm enough... ah that's HOT!... brrrrrr.... a littttttlllle to the left... NO TOO MUCH!!!!"... I couldn't find that "perfect spot" and just was uncomfortable the entire time.

I kind of feel like that's the story of my life... it's always just a little bit "off center"... either I like someone more than they like me... or someone likes me and I don't have any attraction to them... or I find someone I like, and it seems like they like me... but there's something DRASTICALLY wrong... like they live on the other side of the country... or they're married... or there's some huge conflict of religion or politics... or they're 10 years younger than me...

I'm 35... and I have a horrible track record when it comes to relationships... and I don't know what to do about it... I suppose I should go to therapy and someone with initials after name can tell me that growing up fatherless has affected the way I look at men and the relationships I create with them... but the 2 times I tried it before the therapist told me NOTHING I didn't already know...

Yes, I know I have a low self esteem but fake that I don't really well... Yes, I know that I intentionally go after guys I know I can never have long term... Yes, I know I will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment... and Yes... I know I have the tendency to confuse love and pity, I like to "love" people I can can pity and rescue... so I'm co-dependent... I know that already...

but not one of the therapists attempted to help me work thru it... they always made me feel stupid, small and inadequate because I couldn't easily end the disastrous relationship(s) I was in... they made it seem like walking away should be easy, considering how I was being treated... and it just never was for me.

I've met a new guy (not Good'Ol'Boy) and I've decided not to blog about him... because I'm afraid I'll jinx it... but I'm afraid it's already jinxed... once again... I'm choosing something I'm almost guaranteed won't last...