it's not what you think...

so... the Jedi is asleep on my bed right now... I went to work today (yes, on a Saturday) and he spent the day drinking with WoWboy... a few drinks into him and he decides he wants to "discuss" how our relationship has been the last 3 weeks...

Monday night he asked me to go back to New Orleans with him and a few friends... I told him that I don't think I'd ever be going back... he asked why... I told him that I want to remember N.O.L.A. the way it was when we were together... when we could go out and have fun together and he didn't hide his affection... My memories of New Orleans are kissing under gas street lamps and sitting on the stairs across from Jackson Square while eating a Happy Dog... Drinking in the courtyards... walking hand in hand down cobblestone roads... the smell of a "boil" in the air and happy hours that lasted from 2pm-10pm... I love New Orleans... I'm not sure I want to go back to a post-katrina after math, and be disappointed not only in the towns appearance, but in the way I feel and act there too...

Tonight, I went straight to my room after work and started to catch up on "the L word" and "24"... so I didn't call him, I didn't call anyone... he cooked the best steak I've ever tasted, brought a plate for both of us into my room, and sat down and after bitching at me for ignoring him all day, basically started to harp on me about why I haven't hung out lately... and how I need to explain to the Padawan how I no longer want to be their friend... He told me that his (the Jedi's) feelings are hurt... that the Padawan doesn't understand why I never come over... and that he thinks that I hate him... I tried to explain that I DO NOT hate him or his son... but that in order for me to move on... I need things to change. Then he tried to say the "that's the risk single parents take" crap... like that the privileged I've incurred getting to know his son is being tossed out the window by me trying to distance myself from this backwards, upside-down, inside out, dysfunctional relationship...

The thing is... I try to still "be the same" around the padawan... I really try to come over and play... whether it be video games or art... it's just when they go to the movies, I let them go alone... I leave before dinner instead of just assuming I'm going to eat with them... I no longer assume that I'm the third person in this "perfect family charade" that we lived as for so long...

He claims that my behaviour has changed so drastically that even people at work are questioning him.... ummmm... my thought is... why are people questioning him about his relationship with "just a friend" if that's all we are... does he not realize that the entire world saw us for more than what he did? He says that he now feels like he's using me... because the only time we see each other is when we're driving to work... that he's going to start to give me money so it doesn't feel that way... but he really doesn't want me to hate him and he wishes I would talk to him... that when I get out of the car at night and just say "g'nite" instead of "what are you doing later?"... It makes him feel like shit... Funny part about that... he never picks up the damn phone to ask me over to do anything, or go anywhere, or even just to talk... sooooo... how am I supposed to act...

I got tired of always hoping for the phone to ring or hinting that I'd like to do something... I hate that me, being the girl, always had to make plans for us to go do stuff... I realize now that we can never really say we "dated" because I always was the one to ask and drive... and we were pretty good about switching off with the paying, just like good friends do.... ya we did everything together... but everything was just that... I never did anything with anyone else... and felt guilty if I did do stuff without him... but he was able to go off to Vegas w/o me... and is now planning on going back to N.O.

I finally explained, that Christmas the light bulb went on... that when I went the entire day without a phone call saying "Happy Christmas" or that I have yet to hear a single "thank you" for anything I did or gave at that time... that the feeling I had that we were a "unit" dissolved... and I really needed to move along... sure... I may be going about it the entirely wrong way... but maybe in going from one extreme (doing EVERYTHING together) to the other (doing NOTHING together)... eventually we can find a middle ground where we both see our relationship as the same thing... I think it may have finally made sense to him... why I'm acting the way I act... because after me trying my best to explain to him that I still care... but since he's made it painfully clear that we're not going down the road I thought we were... I have to find a different road... and that road may be a little rough at first...

Funny thing is... everyone always said that I paid less attention to him... he'd want more... that he'd realize he's missing out on a good thing... as one very good friend said "the 2nd best thing that ever happened to him... I really wanted to believe that was true... but they were wrong... he doesn't want more... he made that clear...

I'm not sure I want to go back to hanging out with him, just to make it easy for him... I'm kind of OK with being alone right now...