when I stop for a second...

and think... and read... and remember... I realize it's all gonna be ok...

My biggest fear in life is not being remembered... to be forgotten... or to think that I didn't matter. To feel ignored or unknown...

2007 so far... has sucked... but I'm analyzing just WHY it's sucked so bad... and trying to face my fears.

All it took was a stumble onto a little something to make me realize that sometimes our fears are unconventional and selfish... that there's a lot more to think about than if I made any impact on someones life. I need to start worrying about who's making an impact in MY life!

Thank you, fellow bloggers... for clearing my view!

I'm confused...

sooo... what's new, eh?

My question seems simple, but I know it's not, I'm gonna throw it out there anyway for the sake of conversation...

does "I'm sorry" make everything else that happens OK...

I know once you ask for forgiveness in many situations... you start over with a clean slate, but once you say "I'm sorry what I've done has hurt you..." does that make it OK to continue to do hurtful things and not have to consider the feelings and emotions?

I made the conscience decision to try and make my thoughts and feelings not so "in your face" this past week... I thought I was doing that to spare feelings, conceal emotions that could hurt someone who claimed to care about me... was I wrong in expecting the same treatment?

I just wonder if I made my "stuff" as public and "look at me" as the "stuff" I've seen tonight... well, I wonder how easy that'd be on the one who claims they never wanted to hurt me...

you really don't know me...

I think people see something out here in public and they feel like they've had access to a few minutes of someone's life and hear (or make up) part of a story and that gives them a right to judge.

I mean, sure... I'm on a public page... but really... who am I talking to... no one in particular... of all the people who may or may not read my blog... only one or two of them can even come close to imagining let alone KNOWING what I'm really talking about...

my family & best friends don't read my blog... it took me two weeks of turmoil and stomach aches to share the link with someone who I really cared about, and even then I took out all the rants and venting that I'd done months earlier because this is my place to not have to censor myself... and the ranting and venting may help me feel better about what's going on in my head... but in the real world... it looks like I'm stark raving mad

I have censored myself this past week... but not for me... I did it to hopefully make things less difficult for someone else... unfortunately, it's not working because a certain someone continues to come back and chooses to keep stirring the pot instead of letting everything settle and work itself out WITHOUT any outside influence...

Whoever you are... really... this is out of my hands... and really... it should be out of yours too... so thanks for visiting... but please... say goodbye...

I had to...

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. ~Maya Angelou

http://www.livevideo.com

some days i miss high school...

in high school... people couldn't just disappear... sure, friendships came and went... but you were still able to see someone in social studies and know that they're ok or not...

in high school... when people talked behind your back... you still saw them in the halls and could look them in the eye...

in high school... you knew what you were up against... the clique may have multiple members, but you knew that because you saw them sitting together in the quad... so when someone randomly started talking shit, you could probably trace it back to who they sat next to at lunch...

in high school...even with all the teenage angst... what seemed like the end of the world one day, was usually all worked out by the time the pep rally came around on friday...

in high school... the rumors and gossip were usually blown out of control... but all it took was a little common sense and snooping and you could get the truth...

in high school... the trouble maker always got their just desserts... they couldn't hide behind a keyboard and a computer screen... of course... there really isn't any hiding on the internet...

don't ask questions

you don't want to know the answers to...

sane advice...

as you can see by the previous post... i have a shit load of "new readers..." ummmm... no... i have a few "readers" who seem to want to check the page over and over and over and over and over seeing if it's going to miraculously post some new information they so desperately need...

and by the way Dekalb... i said "somewhere"... no shit flying here... take you're assumptions and accusations somewhere else, because it's out of my hands... you probably figured that out by now tho... Anonymous isn't really that... just so ya know...

you know when you see this...

The shit has hit the fan somewhere... never knew heartache could be so popular...

My Favorite Mistake

My Favorite Mistake

me spilling my heart out about something that will just be a good memory a year from now...

Def Leppard said it best.

I've just decided that I'm going to keep repeating the famous Saint Augustine quote...

"Better to have loved and lost,

than to have never loved at all."

The dysfunctional on-line, long distance, realtionship with AT is over... and although I seem to have a future riddled with stereotypical old spinster overtones... I suppose I'll always have my memories...

so I'll keep the old journal posts... the emails... the chat logs... and I'll go back and remember just how I felt when those words were being typed and or read for the first time... and I'll know... that at least... back then... I felt loved....

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived". [William Parrish] from the movie, Meet Joe Black (1998)

so much on my mind...

but I don't know where to start...

• do I talk about AT... and just how happy I am that he's in my life, even tho he's not really mine...
• do I talk about the Jedi... and how I've avoided hanging out with him for a month now and that my friend here at work says that I grimace when I talk about him...
• do I talk about the padawan and how he told me this weekend that I never come over anymore and how sad that makes him
• do I talk about how I'd rather avoid than address that situation...
• do I talk about how I took a part time job on the weekends just to keep myself from falling back into the habit of hanging out with the Jedi because I have nothing better to do...
• do I talk about what a headcase I am, that I'd rather talk to AT online via Stickam than go out and do Pub Trivia... (I said it's what I'd rather do... not what I chose to do... I am going to trivia...)
• do I talk about how overnight I'm a Chicago Bears fan and how happy I was when they won in overtime yesterday???

well... none of those really seem to be "enough" to talk about... but if anyone wants to hear more... lemme know in the comments and I'll elaborate for y'all....

shoot me now...

for the last two weeks I've had 2 songs repeating endlessly in my brain...

the first if the beginning of an Eminem song... ok... fine... but the problem is not only is my head singing the "Hi... my name is...." part... it's saying "wicka wicka" like the record scratch sound... and it's driving me nutzo walkin' around my office making crazy people noises...

the 2nd is the jingle to a carpet company commercial... ummmm... somebody lobotomize that part of my brain plllleeeeaase!!!

at least I finally got that hinder song out of my head... that one was about ready to make me go bonkers...

wow... I'm pretty pathetic....

I took today off of work because I needed a mental health day... OK... ya, so I've had 2 previous long weekends in a row... but both of them were spent mostly in a car, that now looks like I lived in it for about that long...

My room has also taken the brunt of this... it's looks like christmas puked all over... I have decorations, paper, empty boxes, suit cases, winter clothes, half eaten bags of snacks that I've eaten instead of a proper dinner, hangers all over the floor, unopened mail, left over cards... yarn... empty water bottles, shopping bags, gift bags... and about 30 unidentifiable piles of god knows what...

I took today off work with full intentions of at least getting the laundry separated and piled and the trash and xmas stuff out of my room... and then finish up tomorrow... but it didn't happen...

I spent the entire morning talking to AT... then at noon the Jedi called and wanted me to go meet him and WoWboy for lunch... which I did, but they wanted to start drinking and I just wasn't feeling like it today... so I wrote down what I needed at HelMart and took a jaunt up there... I forgot that my friend worked at an office up there, so I stopped to say hello, and meet the owner/boss... looks like I may have a back up job in case something happens at the current place. I wish money wasn't such a big deal... because the $400 per month paycut would totally be worth my happiness, if it wasn't for... you know... rent and car payments and food and stuff... anyway... picked up what I needed at HelMart and rushed back home so I could jump online with AT again for the rest of the night...

so... other than buying Laundry Soap (which I could have done on lunch or something)... I wasted an entire day off... ah well... c'est la vie... it'll get done tomorrow or Sunday... (and the time I spent with AT was totally worth it!)

and so the story goes...

well... let's just say I'm going to have a very difficult time finding a Valentines Day card that says... "will you be my Valentine, even tho you live 2 time zones away, we've never physically met because we "found each other" online and yet I can't stop thinking about you..." along with all the other situations that will make this NEVER work...

2 months ago, if anyone would have told me that I'd "fall for" someone online, I would have laughed in their face... but I have a totally fallen in like with this guy... and looks like the feeling is mutual...

we "met" because he makes videos for YouTube and then we started talking on Stickam... (meaning we can see each other as we talk)... that started mid-November...

About 2 weeks ago, I found myself looking forward to getting home to talk to new guy, and stopped waiting by the phone for Jedi to ask me to go do stuff... and last night when I finally made it home after being stuck in the boondocks for two days longer than anticipated due to snow... Jedi asked me over for dinner, I declined,

I got on stickam and new guy and I had our first "how in the hell did this happen" talk... and although neither of us knows the answer... and we're both scared to death that we feel the way we do... and have no clue what the future holds... we both agreed that for the first time in a VERY long time, we feel there's someone out there that cares... and that this is too good to just brush off

The Jedi spent a lot of money on my Christmas presents, but it's just "Stuff"... none of it is special... he didn't put any thought into the gifts... he also didn't once call me on Christmas day to wish me a happy holiday or thank me for his gifts or for playing Santa for him & the padawan (I made their stockings and did the "fun" stuff for them)... I called him 3 times and each time he was on the phone with dad/brother/mom, and I guess I don't rank high enough in his life to call back...

New Guy... who will be referred to as AT... stole time away during his holiday chaos and made me a video... cost him nothing but time and meant so much more than I can even explain to y'all...

Anyways... leave it to me to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire... what else is new?!?!

uh--oh shaggy...

... i have an online crush...

"so what!?" you say... "who cares" you reply...

i tend to over think things... to make things that aren't real, overly real... i've never had an online crush... i've had online friends... e-friends... and i truly care about all of them... but if the internet crashed and burned, sure, i'd miss them, of course... but would my life be any different if i couldn't read their blog or send them an message via forum?

most of them I have phone numbers for... or even snail mail addresses...

but this new guy... he's different... and we haven't been talking enough to exchange any of that information... so i find myself waiting for times when i know he's going to be on... and excited to "see" him... and sad when he has to go...

i don't like it much...

i mean... i love it... but i don't like that i'm thinking about him this much... can someone slap some reality into my ass...

The Cast

Tori Blaine

That's me... not my name... I was having a major melt down, playing the 'I wish I could just run away' game. So I started thinking of where I would go, what I would do, what I'd call myself if I had to change my identity... I was watching BBC... started thinking about Bridget Jones and a blogger that calls herself Giget Bones... then Tony Blair came on TV and I switched it around to Tori Blaine... I just grabbed it and started this blog with it.

MMM

The only GIRL friend that I have that still lives in the area... when either one of us has got a boyfriend, we don't hang out much, but we're always able to pick up and go with no hard feelings... right now we're both single and we're chillin' a lot!

Prince Charming aka PC

I met PC in February 2007... We dated pretty regularly thru May 2007...

The Jedi

he's my house mate... pretty much my best friend... sort of an ex-boyfriend...

The Padawan

The Jedi's son... born in 2001... I've been around him since just before his 2nd birthday. He's a joy and I love him more than I ever thought I could...

The Sith

The Jedi's Ex Wife... nuff' said.

AT

A guy that I liked for a few months in late 2006/early 2007... I knew from the beginning it would never work out, but I really enjoyed the limited time we hung out (if talking online can be considered "hanging out")... it was fun while it lasted... but he's gone... (like... literally erased himself from the internet...) I'll miss him, but wish him all the luck in getting exactly what he wants in life...

MamaGirl

sister, born 1984, married, has a beautiful son, born August 2007

BabyGirl

sister, born 1987

WoWBoy

My other house mate, he's a grown man who makes more money than anyone else in our social circle, and yet all he does when he's not at work is play World of Warcraft... he's also the Jedi's so-called best friend (that changes hourly).