I talked to mom

for the first time since I found out about the married slut and her propositions...

and you know... it's not even the propositions that make me upset... it's that he accepted them, agreed to them , and even advised her that they had to stay discreet, that I couldn't find out... that just put so much more on it that he KNEW what he was doing would break my heart... and that he wouldn't be upset that my heart would be broken, that he'd be upset that I would stop helping him... that's why I couldn't know...

my lord how stupid have I been... how could I even think that it was more than that? Because his 4 year old loves me... and likes me around... my god... wake up Tori... get out... before you completely destroy all the goodness that is left... go far far away from the poison that is right next door.

I read what he'd sent to married slut "I am not ashamed either, but I kind of have to milk the system right now to get by and if she found out that we did anything, she would stop helping me. It's pretty selfish I know, but I have to do what I have to do to make sure I can work and take care of my son" and my mom gasped... she felt the same way I felt... she know how hurt I must be... she understands...

It was so weird to call home and talk to my dad and have him be so intuitive... to not even have to hear the whole story, and yet have him tell me that it's ok... that everything will work out... When I called, the answering machine picked up and caught the first few minutes of our conversation... he left it on the machine for my mom to hear... it's amazing that he does have the compassion there... it shows so rarely...

I wonder how I've stayed down here so long... I have nothing here... the Jedi & his son... and the only reason I have them is because they cannot make it without me... I really hope that whoever the Jedi decides to replace me with is as understanding and loving as I am...

I don't like to think about someone taking my place... but it was bound to happen... shoot... it almost happened with me right here... so why should I be surprised when it happens as soon as I leave...