I now know why I'm stupid...

so... when Jedi asked me over earlier... it took me 20 minutes to reply to his IM...

I so bad wanted to say no... to stick to my guns and be strong... I told him I don't want to hang out any more... that's a lie... I still WANT to hang out with him all the time... I want to live with him, be with him, share everything with him, love him... but I also want him to want me...

and if he can talk to females about hooking up with them and how he'd "hit that" and how good the sex was and how he'd do it again, but he's going to have to be discreet so I won't find out... so I'll still help him... well... those aren't the words of a man who wants to be with me... those are the words of a man who wants to fuck around and just not get caught...

I SHOULD have said no... I needed to say no... but it was jealousy... I know that married slut asked him to hang out tonight... she told him that she'd make the drive over to be with him... she was looking forward to it... along with all the "dirty" talk that was in there that I cannot bare to re-type for you guys...

I guess in the long run... although I know I shouldn't be over there... that I need to stay away from him and not hang out and definitely not do things for him... the thought of him hooking up with her if he didn't hang out with me... weakened me... so at 5pm I went over there.

We had a few beers... watched a good movie... played some video games... he's trying to sell all his props... so he got online a few times... that's when the IM/Email notification came through...

He told me that he's told her that talking to her is not worth loosing me.

I'd like to believe that... but I think it was more like "I better not hook up with you because if Tori were to ever find out... she'd stop helping me... and I need to milk the system, no matter how selfish that sounds, to get to work and take care of my son"...

I know him too well...

He thanked me for hanging out even though I said I wouldn't... I told him I shouldn't be there... I looked up at him and thanked him for not hooking up with and fucking the married girl... he giggled... I think it was a nervous giggle... and he then said "I couldn't right now with two hands tied behind my back"... not sure where he was going with that... so when I looked up to question him, he planted a kiss on me...

I think he means his back is sore from a pulled muscle, so even if this drama never occurred he couldn't have hooked up with her... which doesn't make me feel good at all... but whatever...

I asked if we were doing something tomorrow... he said he'd call me... I still have one more thing to say to him... it's part of the letter, but I really need to address this... if we're going to hang out... we're going to be a couple... if not... it's over.

all or nothing... at least if we're a couple and he lies to me... i can leave his ass and feel good about it...