it's over

I wrote this letter at the end of August... was going to give it to him before he wen to Las Vegas, but that was the day he found out about the IRS Levy... so I held on to it...

This past week I found out he was making plans to "hook up" with a MARRIED girl that he messed around with before me... I think the part that hurt the most, is that he told her that he had to stay discreet due to the fact that if I ever found out I would stop helping him, and he had to milk the system and hide things from me so I'd keep helping him...

what am I... the fucking Salvation Army? I helped him because I loved him... because I loved his son... and he acknowledges my help... but knows he can't piss me off... in other words... he's using me... although he'll say over and over again he isn't... that he likes having me around and we have so much in common... and we do so well together... if that's the case... why are we continuing this mirage???!!

the other thing is... he tells me I'm the last person he slept with... over a year ago... but he tells her that he "fell off the wagon 2 weeks ago"...two weeks ago is the night he disappeared with K.C.... sooo hmmmm

here's the letter... edited a bit for names... but other than that... here goes it..

If I’ve given this to you, it’s probably because you’ve asked me “what’s wrong?”… and I’m not able to tell you thru the tears… but fact is I've been sick for a few weeks now... If I smoked, I'd be that classic nut job that lives on Coffee & Cigarettes... since you told me that married slut had text'd you I haven't been able to eat much, I've thrown up more food than I've kept down... I've got a constant headache... and I'm having nightmares that would give Dr. Phil enough material to write a whole new book...

In these awful dreams I picture you and married slut texting back and forth and then you telling me that you're going to go see frat brother or MAF, but really you’re going to hook up with her, I can still I hear you telling me what a stupid, cheating dumb bitch she was... as I imagine you telling her how hot the sex was... I picture you using the Internet to attempt to find the love that you think is out there… the computer that I’ve given you… to look beyond me and try and find your happiness

I’m afraid I’ll have to re-live the way you and long distance coworker you used to go to highschool with hooked up, just cute little "hey, remember me?" emails turning into you hosting a girl for a weekend, and you playing it off to me like it's nothing, just to find out it's sex and wine tasting, two things I used to picture us doing and now know is never going to happen... sex & wine tasting are for girls you want to please and impress... I no longer qualify for those simple pleasures...

I picture you and I out for happy hour, and you coming up to me, girl in tow, and telling me that I can go, you've found a ride, and all your co-workers seeing this and what an ass I'll look like, following you around for over a year now, looking like a bitch in heat... Lastly, I'm sure you can only imagine the dreams I'm having about you and this weekend's trip...

but the scariest "nightmare" of them all doesn't even happen at night... it's the realization that I may go my entire life never going to see your son perform in a school play or play tee-ball, because I'll never be welcome at "family" events like this. You don’t even expect him to treat me nicely, why should I be included in seeing all the aspects of him growing up?

Your best friend shouldn't have these fears... your best friend should be helping you find your happiness...

The thought of you and I going through everything these last few years, and all the shit that's been thrown your direction... just to see you find and meet someone else to spend the rest of your life with sickens me... literally... makes my mouth water and me run for the nearest bathroom...

I don't ever want to look back at our relationship and be angry at you for not choosing me... for choosing someone else to love over me... I'm afraid I'm going to turn into a bitter bitch who'll always feel like the girl who was there for you when no one else was...

I've been trying to rationalize my thoughts... to get over the jealousy... try and convince myself that friends aren't jealous of their friends.... and that's when logic always wins over... you may be my best friend... and I may understand that you don't want anything more than that... but it doesn't change the fact that I'm still in love with you, and still wish and dream for more…

Love is something everyone deserves but that few rarely find and even when they do; it most often comes with lots of strings attached. True love is a wonderful ideal, but I'm realizing if you spend your whole life trying to find it, you are going to end up a bitter, miserable old fuck.

I want to learn to accept all the good stuff I have and stop wanting more. Cuz this shit feels like it will destroy any goodness I have left.

"Being happy doesn't mean every thing's perfect, it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections"... For a long time I've overlooked your imperfections and been really happy... and it's not working any more...

I'm not sure I can keep it up. I hate to say it's come down to "all or nothing" but at this point I'm begging you just to say "yes" to us being more than friends, even for just an hour... be my boyfriend just long enough for us to BREAK UP and I can get over you. I can have my heart break clean and clear instead of feeling like it's eroding away, layer by layer like an onion. So when I cry over you I don't feel like such an ass for crying over someone that was never my boyfriend, so when we run into each other in 10 years and someone sees the look on my face and asks me later on "who was that" I can say you were my first love and they'll understand my expression...

I'll never forget the night you asked me "have you ever been in love"... and when I said "no" you replied "well, this is what it feels like..." it’s honest to goodness my happiest memory ever... even if 2 weeks later your ex-wife slept in your bed and pretty much ended it all for us...

I need this to be done... I need to feel complete... maybe the sex between us wasn't all that for you (although when you weren't drunk, it always seemed to be enjoyable...) but hanging out with you knowing you think I suck in bed... that I'm not good enough for you... that you just don't want me... it's killing my spirit... and I deserve more... I can't love myself knowing that the person that is most special to me, most important to me has no desire to return that feeling... ever...

I need to feel something besides rejection all the time... I can handle it for just for a few minutes... but this is EVERY DAY... every time I say goodnight to you and know I'm not getting a hug is too much for me... I'm starting to feel stupid... like your ex wife and your "best friend" and all their "jokes" (as you call them) are right... I'm just your ride, and of course we go to lunch all the time, cuz I’m buying... that you never really enjoyed hanging out with me, but I’ve got the x-box, and the car, and the computer... I "stalk" you...I've become the fat girl that used to come over with the Beer and Videos... or KC bringing you food and stuff when you got laid off and didn't have money... I'm just around until you find something better... or I'm your "nice" co-worker girlfriend, and you'll find 3 slut's to bang behind my back... and I’ll keep going through the motions until you knock one of them up and next thing you know I’m invited to your wedding…

anyway... I guess what I'm saying is that it is all or nothing... I'm guessing you don't even want to try what I thought was so good almost 2 years ago again... so we need to find a way to say good bye..