follow up letter...

So I wanted to justify MY definition of jealousy... because I know you think it's over-board and un-called for... so I came home and found a few different dictionary definitions describing the popular meanings of jealousy. Several examples are offered below:

The ones I highlighted in yellow are how I feel when I see someone take an advantage over my relationship with you... knowing you don't want me for whatever reason... but may want someone else... hurts me... it causes jealousy...

it's a horrible affliction and I wish I could stop it... (I hope you read the original letter again, because reading it, I'm sure, makes much more sense than hearing it through tears and sobs...) but it's true... I'm jealous... I'm sure I need help to get over it... but in the mean time... I can't hold you back from doing what you want to do... and not wanting to be with me is on your list... so eventually wanting to be with someone else will be, if it hasn't already...

If you have to be discreet, or hide things from me, or walk on egg-shells... or lie to me... or lie to others about me... all of those are just things I'm not wanting to have to deal with... I'd rather just not be jealous because I CAN'T see it... than for you to have to change who you are... we should accept each others faults... and my jealousy is not something you should accept... but me wanting more and you not having it to give... that's also kind of a deal breaker... don't you think?

I just wish there was a rewind button... that we could go back to when I just cared... but there was no love shared... or I wish that we could have given love a shot... one for the ages... to see if we could love each other and make each other happy... because I missed out on the "this isn't working" part... I remember asking, and you telling me you didn't want to tell me why you didn't want me... hmmmm to go back to that day and see if I could have learned more...

any way... I just thought I would try and explain a bit more how I'm feeling by bringing out the "books" and putting it into not personal/emotional words...

• The Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary, 10th Edition defines jealousy as "a jealous disposition, attitude, or feeling," where the word jealous is defined as being
  • intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness,
  • disposed to suspect rivalry or unfaithfulness,
  • hostile toward a rival or one believed to enjoy an advantage,
  • vigilant in guarding a possession.

• The online edition of the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition defines jealousy as "a jealous attitude or disposition," where the word jealous is defined as being
  • fearful or wary of being supplanted,
  • apprehensive of losing affection or position,
  • resentful or bitter in rivalry,
  • inclined to suspect rivalry,
  • vigilant in guarding something,
  • intolerant of disloyalty or infidelity.

• The Encarta dictionary defines jealousy as "jealous feelings or behavior," where the word jealous is defined as being
  • bitter and unhappy because of another's advantages, possessions, or luck,
  • suspicious about a rival's or competitor's influence, especially in regard to a loved one,
  • possessively watchful of something,
  • demanding of exclusive loyalty or adherence.

• Wiktionary defines jealousy as "a jealous attitude" where the word jealous is defined as being
  • bitterly or enviously competitive,
  • suspicious of rivalry,
  • fearful of being replaced, in position or in affection,
  • protective, guarding.

• The Wordsmyth Dictionary-Thesaurus defines jealousy as being
  • envious or suspicious resentment, as of another's success, good fortune, or good qualities,
  • suspicious or fearful of losing another's affection, being betrayed, or being bested in some rivalry,
  • watchful in guarding or keeping something,
  • in a jealous condition, attitude, or mood.

• The online edition of the Cambridge Advanced Learner's Dictionary defines jealousy as being "unhappy and angry because someone has something or someone you want, or because you think they might take something or someone that you love away from you."

at the end of this... is what I'd written as practice to put in that card... that pathetic card of the little girl, squeezing her favorite boy's cheeks, demanding the kiss... which is SO a mirror of our situation... "yes... i know we're just friends... but kiss me anyway!" I have no idea when I was going to give it to you... I figured there'd eventually be a time or a place where this would work, I know they kind of sound like wedding vows... but they work every day... even if that day is the day is a day I know I should be saying good bye..

Every once in a while
Something really great happens
That makes the day a little sunnier
And the flowers smell just a bit sweeter

Like When I Met You

Nothing has been the same since
Everything is new with sweet anticipation
The days are full of hopes and dreams
And the nights are timeless treasures
Nothing can take your place in my life
Nothing is as wonderful as you

I do…pledge my heart and all of my love to you.
I will…be faithful and true to you.
I promise…to always be there for you.
I guarantee…I will love you until the end of time.