this is killing me...

being around him when he acts like this is tearing me apart...

I know he wants things to just "keep normal"... of course he does... that way I get his butt to work, I'm reliable transportation for picking up his son... all the "good stuff" just keeps on keeping on...

how come I'm the only one that's being hurt in this situation... how is it that i feel like crying every time he smiles or jokes or teases...

I think I need to tell him no more lunches either... I suppose getting him to and from work won't kill me... i can turn up the radio and ignore him... but this "pretending everything is alright" stuff is for the birds...

it's not ok... it's making my heart jump and my stomach bind... and I can't feel this way...