the blogosphere....

I just had a moment of shame...

So my friend also has a blog... she's a real life friend, not a blog friend, but she reads this and I read her... but she blogs in an entirely different "blogosphere" as mine...

I consider myself to be a "W.I.D.T." blogger... "what I did today"... and although I don't post daily, and I don't always do a mind numbing "what I had for lunch" post... I usually just write because I have too many thoughts clogging up my brain and getting them out somehow feels theraputic to me.

She's a "single girl/erotic thought" blogger... she shares stories, fantasies, and lovely bits of TMI factoids about herself... I wish I could blog like her... but

• A) I'm not getting laid... and
  
• B) I can't usually remember my sex encounters, let alone retell the story!

She mentioned me in a post, but didn't link to me... and one of her commenter's asked for my URL.

She, as any good blog-friend would, asked me before she linked to me...

I "ummmed"... I "hrrrmmm'd"... and I said no. I know none of her people know me, and the fact of the matter is, lot's of you people do... but my exact words to her... wait... lemme go copy/paste...

• [14:08] her: someone in my comments asked which blog was yours... you wanna stay secret?
• [14:09] me: ummm...
• [14:09] me: hmmmmm....
• [14:09] her: haha
• [14:09] me: we don't really belong in the same blogging circle... maybe if I was getting LAID!!!!!!!!!!!!
• [14:10] me: lemme get a few days/weeks away from a "my life sucks because of the jedi" post... then you can share...
• [14:10] me: ya know what...
• [14:10] me: fuck it...
• [14:10] me: go ahead....
• [14:10] me: i don't care...
• [14:15] her: LOL... silly girl... that's funny... wait, I'm in a blogging circle... how funny is that
• [14:16] her: k, I'll post the link

yep... lookie there... I'm embarrassed about the jedi... I'm angry at him, I'm ashamed of my thoughts and feelings... and I STILL am not strong enough to do anything about it...

I'm also going to post part of an email I sent to a friend today...

Like the situation with the jedi... I've never loved and hated someone so much in my life... some days I just want to have "the fight to end all fights" and say all the mean and horrible things i think about to him... and other days i can't imagine my life without him. And I feel for {friends name}, she's the one that has to put up with that... I'm not sure I could stand by and watch a friend go thru what I'm putting myself thru.

I think I need to take an hour or so and go back to the very beginning and read thru my own blog. Remember exactly why the Jedi & are aren't a couple... and really... really... consider what I want in life.

I'm ashamed of my continued friendship with him... I'm ashamed that I'm not strong enough to give up a friendship that provides nothing positive anymore.

And people wonder why some days I just want to run away....