gonna kick myself for posting this...

cuz the ASS CHEWING that I'll so thoroughly deserve is gonna make me unable to sit for a week.

:sigh...

OK... so on Friday, the Jedi asked me to go have a drink with him... Happy Hour... right after work, right down the street... nice place... outdoor patio right by a lake... really nice setting...

Anyway... we get there and a group of my co-workers are outside, so we sit and have drinks with them for a couple hours... they're buying me drinks left & right but I'm maintaining some sort or responsibility and drinking rather slowly... he on the other hand was drinking Dos Equis rather fluidly and somehow, on the way home, somehow or another we get on the topic of "us"... I guess the attention I was getting from some of the men there was a little intimidating to him, and he all of a sudden needed to tell me that he now understood why I no longer wanted him around me anymore.

now, since I've started seeing Prince Charming, I've tried really hard just to let go of the thought of "us"... the history of "us", the memories of "us", any future "us" thoughts. I cancelled the vacation we had planned in May... when his mom had a stroke last week, I made sure he had a way to see her and I called twice to check in on her, but didn't "freak out" or immediately "come to the rescue" and offer to drive down there... when my parents were here, I invited him to lunch, but not to hang out for much longer than a good conversation... I no longer assume we're doing anything together and just because the padawan calls, doesn't mean I'm going to jump right up and rush over to hang out with them... and so far it seems to be working.

Anyway... Friday night we get on this "us" conversation... and how it's been a long time since just he & I had been out alone... and it has been a while... we always have the padawan with us, or one of our friends... he tried to say it was because I don't like to hang out with him anymore, because I don't want to be around him.

I tried to explain he had it wrong, but for obvious reasons, it was probably better that way... so he asked me what he had wrong...

And... I think because I've accepted that he doesn't want me... I told him... I told him I love him, that I still love him... and I'm not sure I could imagine a time in my life when I don't love him... I told him that I've accepted the fact that although I believe he loves me with all the ability he has... that he'll never love me the way a successful relationship needs... and I'm not sure he's capable of loving anyone other than his son right now... I told him it appears he and the Sith have somewhat re-connected, and as much as I don't think it's the RIGHT choice for him, that because he seems happy, I'll do my best to be happy for him.

I also told him he's messed up... his head isn't right and I can't fight with that anymore, so I've let go... I cannot fight this loosing battle and that's why I've moved on... I told him how much it hurt to have him love me openly and outwardly for months... just for us to run into the Sith that fated New Years Eve and on January 2nd have him tell me it couldn't work, to have it all end because, although his ex-wife doesn't want him, she cannot stand to see him happy with anyone else. I told him that if she would quit being so damned worried about what the fathers (yes, plural) of her children were doing and minded her own business, we probably would have been celebrating our third year of being a REAL couple instead of both making each other and everyone around us crazy with the "are they together or not?" bull shit that we've done for the past 4 years.

I told him I love his family, his flaws, his history, and his dreams... I told him I was probably the 2nd best thing to ever happen to him, but he would rather live the dream of a white trash cops episode relationship than a functioning loving one. I told him the worst decision he ever made in his life wasn't marrying the sith just because she got pregnant, it wasn't quitting his "better" job to be closer to his son, it wasn't even breaking up with me... the worst decision he ever made was to quit going to therapy 4 years ago...

And as much as I love him and want him to love me back... it's never going to happen, and therefore... I must move on... and in order to move on... I must hang out with other people...

And you know what... he agreed with me... with EVERYTHING I said... he did try to turn a couple things back on me... like I should have offered to take him to see his mom... and I should have called her more than I did... and that his son misses me and I shouldn't punish the padawan... but I counter-debated all his arguments... and in the end... he knows I'm right.

:sigh.... again....

He called me a few times that night... even tho I had a date with PC... and he called me both Saturday and Sunday... even tho he KNEW I had plans both days... he asked me to come over and watch a DVD last night... I declined... and he's asked me to go grab a beer after we drop off our taxes at the post office... and I'm not sure what I'm going to do about that...

All I know is it felt good... yes as soon as I got a moment to myself I cried to myself... but it wasn't too bad... they were cleansing tears...

I think I'm finally going to be ok.