Still waiting...
I spent the whole weekend just "veggin' out"... playing online... watching TV.
When the Jedi called last night to see if I wanted to go have dinner... I should have said no. I was content eating crap food and not drinking... I didn't need to see him... or did I?
I wonder how my brain works a lot of the time... why am I this jealous... why must I desire something I'm pretty damned sure I'm not gonna get?
At the Pub last night... we got some bad news... a regular, a woman, went in to the hospital for a somewhat routine procedure on Tuesday, came out of surgery just fine... was in a jolly happy mood, said good night to her husband and that she'd see him in the morning when he came to take her home... but that "good morning" never came, that night she died in her sleep...
It was so surreal... her husband was sitting at the bar, as he's done dozens of times before, but instead of having her next to him, he was alone... and it looked wrong! As I looked around I thought about how many of these people I've just taken for granted that when I see one, I'll ALWAYS see the other one...
Jedi and I are one of those couples at this bar... I've been there a total of 3 times without him in the past three years, and each and every time I'm asked where he is by "the gang"... we're a we...
When we went over to the new widower to pay our condolences, he said that a group of people were going up to Tahoe in January, after the holiday, to (what's the right term here) sprinkle her ashes... the guy said to the Jedi (I was further down the bar) "I'd really like you and your girlfriend to come, it just wouldn't be the same without you there"... and I knew at that point the Jedi wanted to correct him, tell him that I wasn't his girlfriend... but the widower kept talking... "Don't let her get away... take her off the market... you're wasting time and you don't know how good you've got it..."
At that point, he reached out and grabbed both of our hands and squeezed them... and then put our hands together so we were holding hands and then walked away... Jedi pulled me to his shoulder and I just stayed there for a minute, tears streaming down my face... we didn't speak for minutes...
Jedi went out and had a smoke, I stared at my cocktail... and when the Jedi came in, he ordered for both of us... because he knew without asking what I wanted... we whispered plans about making the Tahoe trip... about what we were going to do for Thanksgiving and Christmas this year... and that we really needed to start looking at our Memorial Day plans...
We ate off each others plates... eventually started giggling and laughing again at the silliness that went on when he and the Sith went and played put-put golf for the Padawan's birthday... and when we said our good nights our hug was one of those long ones that you never want to end... and the "side-mouth" kiss was genuine... no thinking too much or wanting more...
When he's not here looking at me... I still think he may be just using me... but I'd love to believe that one day... the last puzzle piece is just going to fit and this will all work out...
(insert dreamy "I WISH" music here...)
I.Am.Pathetic! I tell you!
When the Jedi called last night to see if I wanted to go have dinner... I should have said no. I was content eating crap food and not drinking... I didn't need to see him... or did I?
I wonder how my brain works a lot of the time... why am I this jealous... why must I desire something I'm pretty damned sure I'm not gonna get?
At the Pub last night... we got some bad news... a regular, a woman, went in to the hospital for a somewhat routine procedure on Tuesday, came out of surgery just fine... was in a jolly happy mood, said good night to her husband and that she'd see him in the morning when he came to take her home... but that "good morning" never came, that night she died in her sleep...
It was so surreal... her husband was sitting at the bar, as he's done dozens of times before, but instead of having her next to him, he was alone... and it looked wrong! As I looked around I thought about how many of these people I've just taken for granted that when I see one, I'll ALWAYS see the other one...
Jedi and I are one of those couples at this bar... I've been there a total of 3 times without him in the past three years, and each and every time I'm asked where he is by "the gang"... we're a we...
When we went over to the new widower to pay our condolences, he said that a group of people were going up to Tahoe in January, after the holiday, to (what's the right term here) sprinkle her ashes... the guy said to the Jedi (I was further down the bar) "I'd really like you and your girlfriend to come, it just wouldn't be the same without you there"... and I knew at that point the Jedi wanted to correct him, tell him that I wasn't his girlfriend... but the widower kept talking... "Don't let her get away... take her off the market... you're wasting time and you don't know how good you've got it..."
At that point, he reached out and grabbed both of our hands and squeezed them... and then put our hands together so we were holding hands and then walked away... Jedi pulled me to his shoulder and I just stayed there for a minute, tears streaming down my face... we didn't speak for minutes...
Jedi went out and had a smoke, I stared at my cocktail... and when the Jedi came in, he ordered for both of us... because he knew without asking what I wanted... we whispered plans about making the Tahoe trip... about what we were going to do for Thanksgiving and Christmas this year... and that we really needed to start looking at our Memorial Day plans...
We ate off each others plates... eventually started giggling and laughing again at the silliness that went on when he and the Sith went and played put-put golf for the Padawan's birthday... and when we said our good nights our hug was one of those long ones that you never want to end... and the "side-mouth" kiss was genuine... no thinking too much or wanting more...
When he's not here looking at me... I still think he may be just using me... but I'd love to believe that one day... the last puzzle piece is just going to fit and this will all work out...
(insert dreamy "I WISH" music here...)
I.Am.Pathetic! I tell you!
Labels: jedi, questionable mental state
1 Comments:
You can't tell someone who doesn't want to know so I guess this is the most I'll say.
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